


The Dress

by spicydanhowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Trans Dan Howell, non binary, pride month
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 12:06:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11207730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicydanhowell/pseuds/spicydanhowell
Summary: Dan is non binary and struggles to express his femininity.





	The Dress

_Part One: Guy or Girl_

Dan stretched his hand out and brushed every rack of silky clothes. He felt lost in the ladies section, unsure what he was looking for, or what would fit his broad shouldered, curveless body, but then he saw it. The dress was off white, had a portrait neckline and a knee length, skater style skirt. It was patterned with large pink and red roses, petals and leaves. It was vintage-looking and flowy, like a pin up dress. He approached it slowly and felt the fabric between his fingers. The fabric was rigid, to hold the shape, but the inside was lined with silk. Dan held up a size large, looking around him to see who was watching, and decided he couldn’t hold it up to his body without outting himself to the whole shop. Cleverly, he folded the dress and slipped it inside a men’s sweater, took a few more nonspecific shirts into his arms, and sauntered over to the fitting room.

 _Ziiiiip_ sounded the tiny zipper as Dan pulled it closed. He didn’t look in the mirror straight away, but instead lifted his arms up and down to test the fit. Slightly loose in the chest, and slightly tight at the waist, and falling a few inches above his knees, but overall not bad. He took a deep inhale as he turned to look in the mirror affixed to the door of the stall. _Drag Queen._ He shut his eyes, tilted his head up, and breathed. The dress was beautiful, but him? He was a man. Two genders in one male body. His arms, legs, and chest were lightly coated in brown hairs, his shoulders were wide, and the neckline folded awkwardly at his lack of breasts. A tear rolled down Dan’s cheek. He wanted to be pretty. He knew he was a man, he mostly felt like a man, so why did he need this so badly? Dan could handle the fact that he was bisexual, and in a relationship with a gay man, but this? This scared him. The dress was twenty quid, and Dan decided to buy it, despite the fact that he knew he’d never wear it.

As he walked to the register, Dan noticed a display of nail polish, but continued to walk forwards. Suddenly, however, he stopped and took a few paces backwards to have a look at the selection. Dusty-pink tinted and glittery, one bottle stood out to him especially. _Shimmering Rose._ Two pounds, why not? Dan selected the rose colored polish and purchased it as well. How would he explain _this_ away?

* * *

 

“Dan?” Phil questioned abruptly.

“Hm?” Dan replied, not looking up from his laptop.

“Are your nails glittery?”

Dan hesitated, he hadn’t exactly prepared an excuse for his display of femininity, not that Phil would mind him wearing the nail polish. “Ah, yeah, I just felt like it.” he replied simply.

“It’s pretty.” Phil decided absentmindedly, looking back at his respective laptop, and asking no further questions. Phil had feminine tendencies himself, so the response didn’t startle Dan, only relieved him. His Instagram followers had more to say about the nail polish though, but they were overwhelmingly supportive of his “soft aesthetic” _Good._ The last thing he needed right now, in this time of uncertainty, was hate.

Phil shut his laptop abruptly, placed it on the coffee table in front of him, and lied down on his front, resting his head on Dan’s chest. Dan did the same, and put his arms around Phil’s body. “Philly.” he breathed, pressing his lips into his partner’s silky hair, and taking in his smell.

“Mmf.” Phil moaned softly, listening to Dan’s heartbeat. His body rose and fell with each movement of Dan’s chest. “You’re so beautiful.” _Beautiful._

“You are.” Dan countered, squeezing Phil’s slim torso firmly as his face grew hot, and he grinned ear to ear.

* * *

 

Dan’s loose curls were growing longer, and he wasn’t exactly hiding it. Fans on tumblr were losing their minds over his chin length mane, making amazing drawings, and posting screenshots from their most recent video. One side of his head remained neatly shaved as the fringe grew. _Guy, girl, guy, girl._ Dan thought as he turned his head from one side to another in the mirror. _Girl,_ he settled. In this moment, Dan would be a girl. He removed the short, floral dress from the plastic bag which he had hidden inside his suitcase. For the second time, Dan slipped into the silky dress, and took a deep breath. His fingers fondled the straps, and the light reflected off his sparkling nails. Eager to complete his look, Dan retrieved his hair straightener from the master bath and began to dutifully straighten his hair to show off it’s full length. _Perfect._ He licked his first finger tips and brushed his long eyelashes, curling them slightly upwards, turned his head side to side and smiled. He felt pretty.

“Dan?!” Phil exclaimed as he opened the unlocked bedroom door. _Fuck._ Phil looked away, and began to stammer awkwardly, unsure how to react.

“Just get out!” Dan cried, unsure how to explain. Phil slammed the door quickly and ran into the lounge. _Why was Dan in a dress?_ He hadn’t mentioned anything about doing it for a video, and he looked so shocked, and almost ashamed. Dan certainly wasn’t transgender, right? He always seemed pretty comfortable in his body, aside from some issues with self confidence, so what was going on?

Phil tip-toed back over to the bedroom door and pressed his ear against it. The shower was running. He opened the door and found the hair straightener lying on the dresser, and the dress thrown carelessly on the bed. Phil approached the dress and gingerly smoothed it out. It was very pretty, and, to Phil’s surprise, he thought dreamily of seeing Dan in it again.

Dan sat in the shower and cried with embarrassment. He chipped the nail polish off and bit and picked his nails down to size. His long hair suddenly felt like a ridiculous wig, and he ran his fingers through it, and rested his forehead on his knees. What was he going to say to Phil? Phil was gay, and Dan was half boy, half girl. Would he respect his identity? Would he be attracted to Dan’s feminine side at all?

He sighed and turned the water off, wrapped himself in a towel, and climbed straight into bed without putting on any clothes. Waking hours later, Dan felt warm and comfortable. Phil had slid into bed beside him whilst he slept, and was now snoozing with messy hair and an open mouth. He was so beautiful. Dan combed through his partner’s hair gently, unraveled his damp towel from his waist, and slipped into boxer briefs and shorts. It was late in the evening now and Phil would be hungry soon, and at least if their mouths were full they wouldn’t have to talk about the dress. That in mind, Dan stumbled into the kitchen.

* * *

_Part Two: Never Been So Happy_

“Oh bear!” Phil chuckled, shuffling into the kitchen. “You didn’t have to do all this.” Dan laughed awkwardly as he tossed the salad.

“Oh, y’know, I just felt like something homemade, I guess.” Dan was very tense. Droplets of sweat formed on his hairline, and he made no eye contact as he spoke. Phil watched him closely and spoke carefully.

“What’s in the oven then?”

“It’s- ah - lasagna. Um, I think it’s almost-”

“Dan, look at me.” Phil interrupted. Dan dropped his tongs into the salad bowl, and breathed unevenly as he looked into his partner’s eyes. Phil’s eyebrows were raised and there was sadness and concern behind his stormy blue irises. Phil put his hand on Dan’s. “Can we please talk about the dress?” Phil whispered, voice cracking, and suddenly he wasn’t the one closest to crying. Dan gasped, his lip quivered, and tears welled up in the corners of his eyes. They were both silent for a long time.

“I- I don’t know- what to say.” Dan choked out, finally.

“Bear…” Phil comforted, placing a hand on Dan’s waist. “You can tell me anything, you know I love you. You can trust me.” Dan breathed deeply and wiped away the tears on his cheeks and Phil’s.

“I’m- uh- I’m- sometimes I’m- a girl inside.” Dan inhaled sharply and unevenly, his muscles tensing. “I’m- I’m a man but- sometimes I…” A tense silence filled the room again as Phil absorbed the new information.

“Dan.” Phil breathed. “It’s okay. If you want to explore your gender it’s okay. I still love you.” He took Dan fully into his arms and rubbed his back as he sniffled on his shoulder, unsure what else to say, until Dan broke the silence.

“We- we should probably eat that salad soon, and take out the lasagna, Philly.” he advised. They laughed heartily, tears squeezing out of Dan’s eyes again, and prepared to tuck in to dinner.

* * *

 

“Are you ready?”

“Not quite, won’t be a minute.”

Phil leaned against the wall facing the bedroom, and tapped his hands on his thighs, sleepy from the big dinner. Dan was going to model the dress for him again, now without embarrassment or fear. Phil was giddy with excitement to see Dan happy and true to himself, but also dreaded the idea of Dan being doubly “in the closet” as well as living in the public eye. He was deep in thought when the door whipped open, revealing his partner striking an anxious pose, eyebrows raised with anticipation. Phil’s jaw dropped. Dan’s hair was straightened, with a stylish inward curl at the ends, and fell just an inch below his jawline. His slim legs were shaved smoothe, with a few inches of thigh poking out from below the hem of the dress. Vanilla fabric hugged Dan’s body, slightly tight around his full stomach, and one strap sliding off his shoulder and hanging limp. The delicate, old fashioned blossoms cascaded down his body, and the pink hue matched his cheeks. “How does it look?” Dan enquired.

“Stunning.” Phil whispered, mouth agape, and he meant it.

“Are you sure you… like me as a girl?” Dan asked, wringing his hands.

“I do, Danny, I will always love you” he paused. “And you’ll always look beautiful to me, no matter how you present yourself.” At that, Dan rushed forward and kissed Phil square on the lips, continuing even when Phil giggled and turned his head. “Oi!” he exclaimed whimsically as he began to pepper Dan’s neck with his own kisses. “You want me to take that dress off of you?” he whispered.

Dan replied flirtily “Yes please.”

* * *

 

Dan’s coming out didn’t bring about much change in his and Phil’s collective life. Dan’s appearance changed only slightly: occasional nail polish, and some hair styling, and he acted as he always had, but on those days when Dan was inclined to express his feminine side, he became anxious, as he always had. He and Phil had shopped online for more androgynous clothing, including a plain black skirt and leggings to incorporate into his normal wardrobe, if he was feeling courageous. He hadn’t felt courageous yet, though. Instead, Dan had been wearing jeans in public until his leg hair grew back, so as to not arouse suspicion, and had not yet worn a single feminine garment outside of the house. It was clear that many people, especially his followers on social media, would be supportive of his changes in appearance, even if he didn’t “come out” per say, but what would happen when he encountered someone who didn’t? Phil was heartbroken seeing Dan suffer. He only wanted to be true to himself but lived in fear of staring, ridicule, or even violence. What did it matter if a man wore a skirt? Or mascara? It was incomprehensibly frustrating. Phil was lost in thought when Dan shuffled into the lounge.

“Louise is coming by today, Philly.”

“Oh, all right. What for?” he pondered absentmindedly.

“We’re, uh… I asked her to bring her make up.” Dan half-answered. Phil understood and paused, thinking.

“Does she know why?”

“Not yet.” Dan bit his lip. “But she might have some guesses. It’ll be okay.”

“Of course.” Phil confirmed. It had been three weeks since Dan had come out to him, and he hadn’t said a word about it to anyone else until today. As Dan walked out, Phil beamed, happy that Dan was comfortable enough to open up to a close friend about something so personal. It was healthy, and would provide him with a stronger support network.

Louise arrived whilst Dan was in the shower, so Phil, wearing pajamas, made her a cup of coffee.

“You look comfy.” she giggled, eyeing his yellow emoji pajama pants. Phil chuckled.

“Yeah, I lost track of time, and never changed this morning.” he explained, pouring the coffee in two mugs. “You turn up looking so stylish, as always.” Louise laughed and accepted the warm ceramic cup.

“Thank you, Philly.” she paused. “Do you know why Dan asked me to come over? He was very vague.”

Phil hesitated. “What did he tell you?”

“He texted me… Here.” Louise showed Phil their messages.

 

_Louise, can you come over tomorrow, or sometime soon?_

_Nothing is wrong, don’t worry, but I have to talk to you._

_Of course, anything you need._

_I can come tomorrow, is noon okay?_

_Perfect, thank you. Will you bring some make up with you?_

_Sure? Haha are we doing a video?_

_We’re not. Sorry, it’ll make sense later._

_Np. See you soon xxx_

 

“He almost seemed upset. Do you think?” Louise pondered. The water in the shower turned off, and the bathroom door opened and closed.

“He’s been stressed.” Phil explained. “I’ll let him tell you about it.” Louise nodded and sipped her coffee as Dan bustled down the stairs and emerged in the kitchen. His hair was damp and dripping onto his pale blue tank top. “I’ll leave you be?” Phil suggested, rising from the table.

“Ah sure, yes.” Dan replied clumsily, smiling as Phil planted a kiss on his cheek.

“Have fun.”

* * *

 

Louise, sitting cross legged on the bed with Dan, listened attentively as Dan poured his heart out, nodding and rubbing his back as he became visibly emotional. “Oh, Dan, it’s okay.” she comforted. “It’s no surprise. You’ve always been one of the girls, and you’re not less of a man for it.” Dan sniffed and tears welled in his eyes again as he smiled.

“Thank you, Louise. It’s just so hard to keep to myself.” he confessed. He had always been open about his relationship with Phil among close friends, but his identity, a significant part of who he was as a person, had been kept in the shadows.

“It’s okay Dan.” Louise assured, still rubbing his back. “You wanted me to do your make up? Is that why you asked me to bring it?” Dan only nodded as he clasped his hands together and rocked with anxiety. “Well come on then, let’s do it.” At that, Dan pounced on Louise as Phil had done in pinof 1, and they laughed and hugged with indescribable happiness before wiping tears from their cheeks, and getting to work on Dan’s new face.

Brushes tickled Dan’s cheeks, and coated his lips with gloss. Cold liquid lined his eyes and tugged at his lashes as hot curlers came unnervingly close to his ear. Louise examined Dan’s face with the concentration of a surgeon, fluffing his hair with her fingers and spraying it with an aerosol can of hairspray before declaring him a finished product. She anxiously held up a mirror and raised her eyebrows. It was a subtle, natural look. No offensive colors or glitter, nothing that suggested “drag queen”, but everything that confirmed “girl”. A thin strip of liquid liner and voluminous mascara highlighted Dan’s eyes, and a dusting of bronzer accentuated his cheekbones. His lips were shimmering and tinted pink to match his short, neatly filed nails. He was beautiful. “Louise,” he whispered. “It looks amazi-” he stopped abruptly as the flash on her phone camera flickered. She laughed.

“Got you.” She showed him the photo. There he was cross legged on the bed in a baby blue muscle shirt, make up, flowing curls, and an unmistakably true smile. He looked happier in this photo than he’d been in a photo in years, and all it had taken was the acceptance and support of his dearest friends. “Shall I post it?” Dan hesitated. Was he ready to show this side of himself to the world? Would he be accepted by the public? Would he lose respect? Followers? Money? Privacy? His career? By not posting the photo was he losing half of his identity? Yes, he decided. He owed it to himself to post the photo, and release the girl within himself who had been trapped for so long. He couldn’t continue to confine half of himself to the walls of his home and the company of only Phil, and if people didn’t like it, he didn’t care.

“Actually, Louise, I want to post it.”

* * *

 

_Epilogue_

Phil laughed, “Tumblr is losing it’s mind over your latest selfie in the white dress. Have you seen all the art?” he enquired, glancing over at his partner lying beside him in bed, illuminated only by the dim light of his phone.

“I have.” Dan replied with closed eyes. “They like me better as a girl than a guy.”

“They’re just happy for you.” Phil concluded, locking his phone screen. “I am too.”

“Oh Philly.”

“I mean it.” Phil defended. “I’ve never seen you so happy.” Dan mumbled something incomprehensible in response. “What was that, bear?”

“I said I’ve never been so happy.” Dan said more clearly. Phil kissed him on the lips, cheek, and nose, and wrapped his arms around his partner as they drifted off, at long last, into a blissful, tranquil sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> happy pride month 2k17!
> 
> find me on tumblr at spicydanhowell.tumblr.com


End file.
